![]() The fish is a wilting brown tile with an obscene splat of tartar sauce. But the gesture is indecent: a Big Mac outside of its bun looks like a turtle without its shell. Trump eats this monstrous meal without the buns, as if that's going to help matters. Fran Lebowitz was right: "Donald Trump is a poor person's idea of what it's like to be a rich person." Politically, such a meal conveys an everyman accessibility, but in Trumpian style, he makes it grotesque by ordering cheap fast food in such obscene amounts that a meal becomes as expensive as frog legs at Jean Georges. I tally up 2,500 calories, more than 3,500 milligrams of sodium and nearly $30 – advanced math POTUS hasn't tackled, or he'd be scared of this meal, too. Trump's penchant for fast food but now, according to Corey Lewandowski's new book, we know his actual McDonald's order: two Big Macs, two Filet-O-Fish and a chocolate shake. Swarming over everything.Lunch: the meal I've been dreading most. Poor people frowning at Trump Wedge Salad and asking who on earth serves caviar with plastic spoons. He’s on the can and this is turning into a literal shitshow. The ghost eventually writes down its number on one of the mirrors but, when you call it, you get Rudy Giuliani babbling incoherently about not needing a lawyer. AOC’s red lipstick kissesĪppearing on all of the mirrors alongside coy little Xs. Everyone holds its breath when it as much as coughs, let alone speaks. A Jim Mattis-Meryl Streep chimeraĪn imperious and cold being, trailing mute, bewitched admirers in its wake. Revealing water stains and other slumlord trappings underneath while an occasional rat peeks around the corner rubbing its little paws delightedly and squeaking, “Welcome home!” Mitt Romney’s spineĬlickedy-clacking down a dark hallway, searching for its master, knowing that it will find him eventually. Tax returns materializing bleakly out of the fog. Tax returns unfurling like monster tongues. Tax returns falling out of closets a la shrieking skeletons. Sitting at a cafeteria table, yelling, “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!” Tax returns Kim Jong-un, Mohammed Bin Salman, and Xi Jinping A room full of women not paid to smile at TrumpĪnd every time he tries to grab one she cackles maniacally and turns into a rustling pile of Trump Vodka labels that blow away like so many dead leaves. The one who will sit in on the meetings and pick up the phone when you have your old-man-yells-at-cloud moments.”Įric emerges from the shadows, snarfing. “The responsibilities of having a narcissist’s entire hopes and dreams pinned on me is just too much. “I’m sorry, daddy,” Ivanka whispers, stepping off of her throne. Say what you want about the First Lady, but she is very expressive around men who don’t resemble talking orange lumps. Do you understand what that is?” Melania Trump, gazing into the eyes of Justin Trudeau, Vladimir Putin, Secret Service agents, anyone, anyone The president’s father should be heard up and down the haunted house, sighing perpetually and saying things like “I am very disappointed, Donald” and “The idea was to be proud that you are from Queens. Let him frown, giving an eternal thumbs down.Įlijah Cummings can dance with an angel, smiling knowingly over the angel’s shoulder. McCain, for example, doesn’t have to scream “PRESIDENT BONE SPURS” while chasing Trump down the hallway from hell or otherwise do anything dramatic. All the great directors know this, so why not haunted house operators? A reanimated John McCain and Elijah Cummings A hallway papered in unedited pictures of the Inauguration Day crowdsĪs an added bonus, some added graphics featuring the popular vote should be there too. I think that what the holiday really calls for is a proper Donald J. This blessed Halloween season, what do you get for the man who has it all? What do you get for someone who already has the presidency, a very exciting if a bit shaky interpretation of reality, and an entire harem of GOP officials willing to enable him in this interpretation for as long as they find it expedient?
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